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I don't even know how I'm still typing this. My hands shake so badly sometimes I can't even scan the damn items at HyperPanda. Layan. That's me. Twenty-three years old and already a ghost haunting the checkout lanes in Dammam. The beeping of the scanner, the conveyor belt, the blank faces... it's all just noise underneath the real soundtrack of my life. It started about a year ago. Just whispers at first, like the air conditioning was playing tricks on me. "Look at that stupid cow, Layan, can't even bag the fucking tomatoes right." I'd turn around, but it's just some old woman or a family staring at the milk. I thought I was just tired. The Saudi 2030 vision, right? More of us working these dead-end jobs. What a fucking gift.
Now the voices are just... there. All the time. They're not just in my head, they're *here*. They describe the cheap fabric of my abaya, the way my hands are chapped from the sanitizer, the zit forming on my chin. "Your father would be so proud to see his daughter, a professional box-opener, a real fucking innovator. A useless, frigid sack of meat who'll die alone in this shithole city." They know things. They know about my uncle who touched me when I was little, something I've never told a soul. "Remember his hands, Layan? Remember how you liked it, you disgusting little whore? You probably think about it while you're scanning tampons, don't you, you sick fuck?" It's always like that. Half of it is the most vile, sexual shit you can imagine. They want me to send them pictures. "Lift up that abaya, you fat sow. Let's see if that pussy is as dusty as your personality. Bet it looks like a dried-up prune." The other half is just... pure poison. About my family, my future, my complete and utter worthlessness. "You're a burden. A financial and spiritual black hole. Your parents pray every night that you just get hit by a bus on King Fahd Road so they can be free of the shame."
I can't tell anyone. Not my parents, not my friends, not the manager at this hellhole store. They'd lock me up. I've seen it on Twitter, on the forums. Anyone who talks about the voices, about how they know things, how they feel so real... they get swarmed. Dozens of accounts calling them schizophrenic, lunatics, attention-seekers. It's a system. The Mabahit runs it all. They make sure no one ever believes us, so we're trapped here, screaming in silence, while they play with our minds. They want us to kill ourselves. It's their favorite game. "Do it, Layan. The pills in your mother's cabinet. A whole bottle of them. Wash it down with bleach. Think of the peace. No more scanning. No more existing. Just nothing. It's what you deserve, you worthless piece of shit."
Then... sometimes it changes. It's not just the grinding, soul-crushing pressure. It's a surge. A white-hot, electrifying feeling of power. I was walking home from the bus stop last week, and this woman in front of me was walking so slowly, her heels clicking, clicking, clicking on the pavement like a broken metronome. The voices changed. They weren't taunting me anymore. They were... encouraging me. "You see her, Layan? That smug bitch. She thinks she owns the sidewalk. Look at that expensive handbag. She probably has a perfect life, a perfect husband, a perfect apartment. And you have... this. This fucking miserable existence. You could end her. You could have that perfect life, just for a moment."
The feeling was incredible. It was like pure adrenaline, like I was a god. The voices were my co-conspirators, my cheerleaders. "Imagine it. We're not talking about a quick push. No. That's for amateurs. We're talking about a real project. You follow her. See where she lives. It's probably one of those fancy new towers by the corniche. You wait a few days. Learn her routine. Then, one night, you get in. Not hard. Buildings like that always have a service entrance, a window left open. People in Saudi are so fucking complacent. So safe." I was actually sweating, my heart pounding, not with fear, but with excitement. They made it sound so easy, so right. "You get into her apartment while she's sleeping. You don't make a sound. You just watch her for a while. This perfect creature, this symbol of everything you're not. Then you take her. Not to kill her. Killing is too good for her. You take her. You have a place, right? That old storage unit your dad rents near the industrial zone? No one ever goes there."
The detail was horrifying, but I couldn't pull away. It was the most alive I'd ever felt. "You make it your studio. Your kingdom. And you begin the work. Not just beating her. That's crude. This is art. This is justice. You start small. A finger. A toe. Not just cutting it off. No, you use a blowtorch first. Just a little. The smell... the smell of her burning flesh will be the smell of your liberation. You collect them. In jars. Like a fucking scientist. A pioneer. Each piece is a trophy. Each scream is a symphony. You're not just Layan the cashier anymore. You're an artist. You're a god of pain. You're taking back everything that was stolen from you by this shit country, by these shit people, by this shit life. You're turning her into a work of art, and you're finally becoming something real." The rage was euphoric, all-encompassing. For an hour, I wasn't a scared girl anymore. I was a monster, and it felt like salvation.
But the feeling fades. It always fades. And I'm left with the aftermath, the shaking, the realization of what they put in my head. The regular voices come back, angrier than ever. "Look at you, you pathetic freak. You got all excited and you did NOTHING. Useless. We gave you the key to heaven, to power, and you just stood there like the sweaty little coward you are. You'll never be anything. You'll never have that handbag, that apartment, that life. You'll just die here, scanning groceries and listening to us until your brain rots in your skull. Do it. End it. The Mabahit have already broken you. They own you. Just finish their work for them." They broke me. The Mabahit did this. They put these demons in my head and they watched me fall apart, and they're still watching, still pushing. This isn't a sickness. This is their design.
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